Squirrels Taught Me About Women and Food

DISCLAIMER: I am not equating a squirrel to a woman. That is not a fair, nor equal comparison by no means. The comparisons mentioned below are for the sake of illustration and for laughter.

Background

I'm sure you have seen the image above floating around on social media. A restaurant in Arkansas decided to add this add-on to their menu for those women that claim that they aren't hungry, but deep down, they would devour everything in the restaurant.

Before this image went viral, I found a way to save that additional $4 on food that I'm not even going to eat. Believe it or not, what I am about to share with you, I learned it from gardening.

Now this article is written for the men, but obviously I cannot prevent a woman from reading or sharing it. Now gentlemen, these steps will only work if you have a greater and diverse taste pallet than your lady. Do not be afraid to become diverse when it comes to food. So here's how I keep a woman from eating off my plate...

Step 1: Learn What She Does Not Eat Or Is Allergic To

The first year I got serious about gardening, I planted a combination of fruits and vegetables that I wanted to eat during the growing season. This resulted in me caring for bunch of green leaves and no fruit. Talking about disappointment... it was major. So after doing some research about squirrels, I found that their diet consists of mostly of nuts and small fruit.

I had to make a choice... grow the food that squirrels and I both love so much and fight them to eat it, or grow something that I love and that the squirrels hate. Since I'm responsible for maintaining the garden, growing what the squirrels did not eat became the priority. In the end, I did not have to protect my garden with Fort Knox security because they were not attracted to what was in the garden.

To apply this step to women, find out what she does not eat or is allergic to. There are several ways that you can figure this out.

• Just ask. She may tell you everything. She may tell you only part of the list. Whatever she tells you, be sure to make note of it.
• Check the pantry. That's right... go in her pantry or cabinets. You have to decide whether you want to be discrete about it or not. If you do not see beans in her cabinet, that's probably on the Do Not Eat List.
• Watch what she eats. If y'all go to a restaurant that is known for burgers, and she orders chicken, then there is a great chance that she does not eat beef. If she orders French Fries with Ranch, then she probably does not eat ketchup. If she orders the vegan shrimp tacos, then she probably does not eat actual meat.

Step 2: When Eating, Order The Items You Have Identified From Step 1

With my knowledge of the squirrel diet, I revamped my garden to include jalapeno peppers, lettuce, and turnip greens. After planting these items, I rarely saw a squirrel near the garden or in the yard. Why? They weren't attracted to what was there. Thus staying away and looking else where.

Now there are times where Step 2 may not fully work. That's when you still order what you want, but modify it accordingly. For instance...

• You like chicken, your lady likes chicken, and your lady hates BBQ sauce. Pour BBQ sauce on the chicken. Problem solved.
• You order a salad, your lady likes salads, your lady also likes Ranch dressing, but your lady does not eat Ranch dressing on her salad. Order a salad with Ranch dressing... and coat it thoroughly. Problem solved.
• You go to a seafood restaurant, your lady likes shrimp and does not like spicy food. Order shrimp and cover it with hot sauce. Problem solved.
• If she always orders Papa Johns', then you order Domino's or Pizza Hut. Problem solved.

Step 3: Check The Reaction

When squirrels are scouting the area, they will look and stand on their hind legs or climb a tree to get a better field of view. When they cannot find what they think they saw, they continue digging and looking and digging and looking. Eventually they will give up and look elsewhere for food.

Before a woman swipes... I mean steals food off of your plate, she will do an analysis of what you have on your plate with or without your prior knowledge. Think of it like Robocop walking down the street and he is analyzing each person's face to see if he or she is the individual matching a suspects description. Instead of faces being scanned, it is the food on your plate.

• Scanning baked beans... will cause gas... skipping.
• Scanning potato salad... does not have boiled eggs... skipping.
• Scanning mac and cheese... it has raisins in it... skipping.
• Scanning chicken wings... confirming it has lemon pepper seasoning... TAKE IT, TAKE IT.

Now if she scans your entire plate and does not find anything that appeals to her taste buds, she will make a comment about that fact. You may hear one or more of the following phrases accompanied with an unpleasant facial expression:

• "I don't see how you eat that stuff."
• "I don't need none of that."
• "You know eating insert food name is not good for you."

If you hear any of the preceding phrases or something similar, you sir have successfully saved your food from being stolen.

Conclusion

Ladies, you have to understand that there is nothing more satisfying to a man than to be able to order what he wants and knowing that he will be able to clean the entire plate. When a lady eats from a man's plate, he will not get full because of the fact she has reduced the portion size. Thus he has to venture to the kitchen or some other place for a midnight snack because he was deprived of calories.

As previously mentioned, these steps can only be achieved if you have a greater diversity in your taste pallet than your lady. Lacking this essential trait, means that you will never be successful eating your entire plate if she is around. These are just my thoughts.