Understanding Attachment Styles

I have been learning about attachment styles. As I read on what they are, what behaviors are associated with them, and more, I am able to identify situations and events from the past that played out exactly how the video presenter or writer said they would. This has not been an easy rabbit hole to go down, but it has been an opportunity to do self-improvement. What I believe that is useful to other people is how I started down this rabbit hole, examples that I have experienced from my past that are now indicators, and how to better myself going forward.

The Spark

My wife made a comment about why am I always doing work on Saturdays, typical day off from full time job, and she ends up watching the kids. My response was along the lines of stuff has to be done around the house, and I can't do that stuff and watch kids. Also people want me to do work for them and why not get paid. That response was not received well, but I did my best to convey my perspective.

Later, I remembered reading about people that always busy, are usually covering for something else. That was the beginning of the rabbit hole to find out if what I am currently doing, always keeping myself occupied, and slow to complete things on the To Do List, is to cover or avoid dealing with something from the past. One thing lead to another and I found out about RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder.

RAD is commonly diagnosed in children after the age of 5. Those children struggle with healthy emotional attachment to other people. Those struggles, sometimes includes their parents. Now often this is associated with neglect, but can originate from other sources and outcomes.

I know several people that are therapists. I asked one about RAD and what that would look like. He mentioned that RAD can lead to different attachment styles, and that I should identify which attachment style that I have and go from there.

I took this online attachment style quiz, and the results were that I had the Avoidant Attachment Style. Sounds scary. What you mean I'm avoiding things.

From the "rabbit hole", the phrase I will refer to going forward about the research that I have done, there are four attachment styles:

• secure
• insecure - avoidant
• insecure - anxious
• insecure - avoidant/anxious (a mix of the two above)

Majority of people have the secure attachment style. They are good at establishing friendships. Relationships work well. The others usually have very few or no friendships, and can struggle in relationships.

Looking Back (Examples)

As I watch videos and read about the indicators and symptoms of the Avoidant Attachment style, it was almost as the presenter or writer was in the room with me when those events took place. In some cases, describing the events and conversations down to the "T".

Close Conversation

One example, a previous partner wanted to be close... like hugging close... when having deep discussions. The first time that she wanted to do this, I went along with it, but it felt weird. In subsequent conversation, she wanted to do the same and I remember having mini-crash out about how weird that was and refusing to do that again. In hindsight and factoring in what I have learned (stuff in the rabbit hole), when things get overly emotional, it freaks out the avoidant. Because the avoidant does not see or process this from an emotional state as being safe. Thus emotional interactions can trigger a flight or fight response (aka avoiding dealing with emotions). Combine that with the fact that the avoidant may not be able to convey their point in a way that is easily understood, because they struggle to communicate emotions, can result in a negative outcome from the secure partner. Let's just say, she never tried that again.

What Is Love

Another example, a previous partner pointed out that I never said "I love you" to her. This conversation happened multiple times, which partner noted that it was concerning... very concerning. The rabbit hole has shown me that avoidant don't necessary know love, because they never really seen it. Also they can lack the emotional capabilities to recognize it when it is being given to them.

Yet another example, a video that I watched mentioned that secure partners will mentioned that they need something to their avoidant partner (e.g. more words of affirmation). This will scare the avoidant partner because they have to operate in this emotional space to come up with such things. This happened with a previous partner. I agreed to do my best to put in the effort, but would miss the mark as it was not easy to come up with something to say or to give compliments. When I did give compliments, they were not always acknowledged. The conversation would come up again, I would mention that I have tried and mention to the scenarios, to which the partner would respond with "Try harder". Talking about a deterrent. One of the rabbit hole videos mentioned that this is how a downward spiral of the relationship starts, but if not caught and corrected in time by both parties, it will (and usually does) result in the relationship ending.

Need A Hug

Final example, my wife will out of blue say something like "Time for my hug". When she says this, she does not want a brief or church like hug. She wants to hug for at least 15 seconds. Internally I'm freaking out because why you want to be close and inhaling the CO2 of another person for that long. A previous partner pointed out that it was odd that my Touch Love Language was as low as it was (4th out of 5). From the guys that she had previously dated, touch was higher up in the list, but not necessarily at the top. That didn't make sense then, but the rabbit hole has explained touch is usually emotional, and avoidants are skeptic at dealing with emotional things.

What Next

I know that I cannot change what has previously happened, but I can learn from it and move forward.

I was previously diagnosed with social anxiety. Based on the rabbit hole, Avoidant Attachment and social anxiety have similar traits. In some scenarios, the avoidant is often diagnosed with social anxiety, so that ends up being treated. However, the Avoidant issues dont get addressed, so they still have difficulties with friendships and relationships.

When it is "Time for my hug" (see above), I have internally agreed to allow the hug to take place for a long as she needs it. Granted I am still resistant to these events, I acknowledge that these type of things are from a place of secure attachment and the other person needs that.

Understanding that sometimes people want to build more with you. That is usually done through communication, but sometimes there is an emotional connection to it as well. The emotional part, is a work in progress, since it is something that I lack.

Also be willing to ask people why they are doing something, especially those that you are close with. Sometimes understanding the why, like why are you wanting to hug me for a long time, makes it easier to digest or process the request. When someone wants something, being able to share how that makes me feel about it and also ways that they can present their request, so that it is not triggering.